Our families form a huge part of our lives. Our parents make many decisions for us; they are the first to introduce us to a new world and to the people we interact with, choose our education, and generally have a major influence over our experiences. Our beliefs about life and about ourselves are developed during our formative years by our environment and our culture.
An ideal family would be loving, supportive, nurturing, and would naturally listen and support each member. Our families have great influence in our lives, but what happens when this influence is detrimental to you, when the ideal is not demonstrated?
This is where families can be toxic. Fear, narcissistic behaviour, and separateness through lack of integration and teamwork make it very difficult for the innocent witness to experience a life of happiness.
Then there are the behaviours that come from fear and weakness, such as arguments, verbal and physical abuse, judgement, backstabbing, favouritism, competition and hierarchy, ganging up against other members and isolating others.
I see family as being as important as the air we breathe, the shelter that protects us, and the water we drink, so what happens when this necessity becomes a threat to your livelihood?
What happens when your experience becomes a living nightmare?
Toxic family members show no sign of being open to change. It’s where all attempts at communication break down, when all attempts at communication lead nowhere. Of course, people can change if they choose to but until this happens, the status quo remains. For the moment their actions are toxic, and they will continue to repeat these bad actions until they recognise them as being unacceptable.
Everyone has the right to live a life of bliss and happiness, but sadly this is not an option for many children and adults who are bought up in a toxic family. It’s not just, fair or right that children, in particular, should experience trauma in their lives. At least as adults we have the right to choose who we accept into our lives, but children do not.
This is why the world needs drastic change.
Are you being hurt by a toxic family? If so, my heart genuinely goes out to you.
If you are the only one who recognises a problem when no-one else in your family does, don’t blame yourself. Acknowledge those feelings as true and don’t hide from the way you feel – even if no-one else around you understands you. People with narcissistic tendencies don’t acknowledge their errors, and like to blame others. They will probably try to make you feel delusional for feeling the way you do. Don’t worry, feeling hurt by a toxic family is absolutely normal and natural, it is not a character flaw. It shows that you are an unconditionally loving and empathic-natured person.
As kids, we can’t choose our circumstances so please don’t blame yourself. You have done absolutely nothing wrong; it’s not your fault.
Please understand that you are so important. So important, in fact, that in the eyes of the creator you are the most important person in your universe. No one can be better than you, or know better than you do.
Narcissism
This word means: selfishness, involving a sense of entitlement, a lack of empathy, and a need for admiration, as characterizing a personality type.
Of course, everyone can be narcissistic at times. We all make mistakes and can act selfishly out of hurt or fear. It is a part of being human.
The problem lies when narcissism becomes predominant and intrinsic within a person and their actions. What makes matters worse is when their narcissistic actions are accepted as normal – unrecognised or not apologised for. When the toxic person does not recognise that they were wrong and won’t genuinely apologise, it becomes a major problem. Why? Because the wrong action becomes acceptable. Now it can be repeated and can cause further damage. This is where narcissism becomes toxic and can destroy the livelihood of empathic-natured family members.
Here are some examples of narcissism:
- Manipulation – playing guilt games to try and control a situation
- Lack of empathy and genuine listening skills
- Any form of physical or mental abuse
- Name calling and put-downs
- A persona of superiority
- Negative judgement or backstabbing to other family members or people
- Never admitting they were wrong or apologising
- Always blaming someone outside of themselves for any problem that arises
- Seeks enjoyment or entertainment from argument, drama or conflict
- Deliberately creating feelings of obligation and guilt in another
Narcissism can also be expressed as a tendency to hate oneself or constantly put oneself down:
- A persona of inferiority
- Self-destructive and self-loathing behaviour
- Martyr complex
It can often be extremely difficult living with a toxic family member who is predominantly narcissistic. All attempts at trying to get them to listen to you will generally lead nowhere. Perhaps it feels like banging your head against a brick wall?
A toxic family member usually has too much pride, gets defensive and argumentative when they are criticised and finds it difficult to admit when they are wrong. They blame others for bad situations and will never take responsibility for their own reality creation. Sometimes they may pretend to empathise with you, but their actions say otherwise.
You see, you can’t change someone or get someone to listen to you by force, anyway. This is because of free-will. If you feel emotionally destroyed by their narcissistic actions, as difficult as it can be, try to centre yourself as much as possible by limiting interactions with them. It’s best not to get upset because it will only hurt you and feeds their need for argument.
They had a story, too
It may help to see beyond the actions of a narcissist. What is the unseen story of their life? Perhaps they are acting from deep-seated feelings of being out of control, hurt or angry. Did they have a rough upbringing or bad experience growing up? Did they grow up around a toxic family also? Was there any form of mental or physical abuse in their childhood?
We can safely conclude that most anti-social or negative behaviours are the result of a difficult childhood. It’s common knowledge that the formative years are a great influence in an individual’s life. Between 0-7 years of age the environment around the child, which includes the beliefs of caregivers, helps to form permanent, locked-in belief systems (either positive or negative) that become hard to change as the child gets older.
If a person experiences trauma of any kind they will create protective cloaks, or layers of protection, to deal with life. These cloaks turn into habits, and as we know habits are very hard to break. It’s most likely that these cloaks have hidden the person’s true empathic nature.
Every baby is born as a child of the divine; loving and pure. It’s only the negative influences of this world that corrupts this natural state.
This way of observing the narcissist is not intended to condone their behaviour, but being naturally empathic can really help to see the bigger picture and gain a greater understanding for your own peace of mind.
If you can see their vulnerable side, it may help you to deal with their toxic behaviour, and to not take things personally. Perhaps they really are the hurt little girl or boy on the inside, only grown up into an adult body.
When parents don’t step in out of ignorance or weakness
Sometimes, parents don’t fulfil their role in correcting their children when they are in error.
Sibling rivalry is a common issue and bad behaviours can result from envy and jealousy. It happens when a child feels like they aren’t getting as much love and attention from their parents as their sibling is, but if negative behaviours aren’t corrected ongoing friction and competition will remain between siblings and can get more and more out of hand. The negative energy coming out of rivalry can attract bad circumstances and bad luck to the entire family.
Another issue that is not corrected by parents is when one sibling acts superior, pretending as though they know better or acting bossy over another. This is usually seen with older siblings over younger ones, who are more vulnerable because of age.
Personalities between family members and siblings can be vastly different. Some are more outgoing, some more introverted. Usually this can be a good thing (if properly monitored by parents) as siblings can better learn about themselves. They can expand and grow as individuals by learning from each other’s strong points and helping each other to overcome weaknesses.
If not monitored, however, the more outgoing personalities can dominate over the more introverted or shier personalities. If not corrected, this can lead to major self-esteem and self-worth issues for the sibling being dominated. Without intervention, the sibling who dominates will regard this anti-social behaviour as acceptable. This can be damaging to their future relationships. The important role of the parent should come in to ensure mutual respect is always present, regardless of age.
Competition can be fun if kept light-hearted but it can get out of hand when it’s taken too seriously. Competition with egotism is negative and destructive for all family members. When one tries to outshine or beat another down, friction automatically results, and so does separation.
It becomes a problem when a child’s self-esteem is based on the need to win – such as the approval of others – in order to feel better about themselves. A reliance on winning will ensure they end up feeling inferior when they find themselves on the losing side. For the constant loser, it can create feelings of inferiority and low self confidence that can be hard to shake. This type of competition creates unnecessary stress as family members continuously rely and depend on winning for self-esteem and praise. For children, this constant approval-seeking can become a habit for life unless it is recognised and stopped.
In an ideal family, everyone works together as a team without disconnection. Competition should be kept fun and each family member should naturally wish the others success and happiness. In sports, a good team player is someone who aims to compete against their own personal best, and who wishes success for their competitors. They don’t rely on other people’s approval for their self-esteem.
No matter what personality type you are, age, gender, your life circumstances, whether you win or lose – what will always remain true is that you will always be special and important. This will never change.
The ‘favourite’ child, or mental boxing
This is a very common issue between parents and children. Many a time, favouritism is unspoken but is easy to observe with body language, actions and feelings. The favourite sibling is shown more love, respect, affection or adoration over another. In general, they can do no wrong in the eyes of the parents. Unfortunately, having a favourite child automatically means there will be an unfavourable one in comparison – the ‘black sheep’.
The Rosenthal effect is a very real and tangible phenomenon where a person’s expectations can affect another person’s behaviour. Parents naturally have a huge influence over their children’s lives, so it is easy to see that if a parent mentally boxes in a child with their judgements and opinions it can be almost impossible for that child to reject this negative image that is imposed on them. It can be very traumatic for the ‘black sheep’ of the family, causing a lack of self-esteem and self-worth issues as the child feels devalued, unloved and rejected. It can create rebellion in the child and usually leads to anti-social behaviour and other behavioural problems.
If the problem isn’t fixed, their adulthood can result in hardship and struggle, experiencing difficult relationships as they subconsciously believe they are inferior.
On the contrary, the favoured child can mimic the parent’s actions by playing favourites in their own relationships. They can grow up with a sense of entitlement or with an over-inflated sense of worth. This egotism usually causes damage to their future relationships because of separatism and competitiveness.
Playing favourites is toxic, as once again it creates fragmentation within a family.
If you have experienced favouritism within your family, please recognise that this is a very common behaviour carried out by toxic families. Remember, there is nothing wrong with you. By understanding your true self-worth, you no longer need accept their mental boxing of you.
Backstabbing and judgement. Just walking down to the local newsagent and reading a weekly celebrity gossip magazine will tell you how much this world likes to gossip, backstab and judge others for entertainment value. This can also happen within toxic families.
Backstabbing and judgemental behaviour links back to mental boxing and the Rosenthal effect. If a family member judges and then backstabs another family member by speaking ill of him or her, then we have a major problem, especially when a parent does this to a child. When family members do not have the ability to properly communicate with empathy, the family will break down because there is automatic separation.
An ideal family is trusting of one another, and lovingly and openly communicates when problems arise, always acting as a team to help and support each other in times of hardship.
Stop the cycle
As parents, we have the chance to be a strong role model for our children. We have the chance to teach our children well, even if our upbringing was not ideal.
We must be strong, wise, and gently correct unwanted behaviours. Be the strong person that you are and teach them love, empathy, and understanding so that they will grow up to be well-adjusted. No one is perfect; we all make mistakes as we are learning and growing as individuals and as parents, but forgive yourself if your actions have not always been ideal. Never be afraid to tell your children when you were wrong, so that they will not end up blaming themselves. Only when we admit our errors and weaknesses can we move forward.
Toxicity within family doesn’t need to be carried down through generations; it can be stopped, if it is recognised with the motivation for change.
Conclusion
Living in a toxic family can be highly destructive for the psyche of an empathic person. Narcissistic tendencies, weaknesses and ignorance, mental boxing, judgement and backstabbing can be highly damaging behaviours to all family members involved. It’s unfortunate, but it does happen. It can make life a living nightmare as one may feel helpless, unsupported and unloved. No one deserves this. It is about time that we all recognised our true self-worth and stopped believing the lies we were taught.
Image used for this article is composed using various images:
Juan Pablo Serrano Arenas and Thiago Matos from Pexels